Denmark it is then

Yes, we've moved again and it's back to homebase as we call it. It is not known how long the stay will be but one thing is sure: Life will go on, we will adapt and like chameleons, change color if need be.

But first, the language will have to be mastered as best as one can as Denmark is a country fiercely proud of everything danish and not least of all its language.

So, take a deep breath and follow me through my adventures at homebase.

Food for thought: Social Networking sites

I personally find social networking sites helpful in most ways. My lifestyle, I believe, compels me to join them. One in particular enthralls me and yes, you've guessed it, FB. Of my over 200 friends (yes, they are real friends I have interacted with in various degrees) in my network at the moment, more than 20 of them have sent me an invitation to join before I decided to see what the fuss is about.

I am very lazy (what else is new) in updating friends through email: where I live now, how the family is, etc, etc. Some are even surprised that I am alive and actually kicking...still. A couple of Aunts (one from Ireland and the other from Norway) decided that for their vacation, they would meet-up half-way (kind of) in Copenhagen and visit me at the same time. Great plan, except that they did not let me in on it. So, off they went to Copenhagen delighted that I will be pleasantly surprised - which I would normally be if I was actually there to surprise. Obviously, the plan backfired as months before we have already been expatriated to Kenya.

FB has been a tool for me to update my friends and family without feeling that I am imposing the information on them. The 'what do I care what you are doing now' rarely applies. In fact, I am always happy to know what my friends are doing as it makes me feel closer to them and when I see them, we actually have something to talk about. Awkward moments reduced and I manage to ask relevant questions mostly based on their status or shout outs. I feel less guilty not having remembered their birthdays as FB puts it right out smack into my face.

I believe I have become a better friend because of FB.

Having said that, I am very much aware that the venue is still the internet. Therefore, doubly aware of the information I put out there. Of the thousands of quizzes available to fill-up downtime, I have only taken a very few mundane ones....oh okay and played poker twice or so :-)

Hubby and son are on FB where we share many friends on top of having our own too. To qualify, we have always been a 'gadget' family with me heading the pack and being the computer and internet nerd, due to the industry I worked in. Given the knowledge of security applications and breaches, I have always set internet usage rules in the house and have never been remiss in reminding them of the perils of the internet if lacking awareness. Yes, the internet has developed to be almost a 'dummy's tool' for communicating where an interface can be so easy to use (prompts and all) that we are lulled into a false sense of security.

Below is an excerpt of an article by Ron Shulkin called: 'How I'm going to use social networking to steal your identity' posted by a friend on - guess where - FB.

Some find it a tad paranoid while I find it relevant. It is always good to be reminded of things that we take for granted. Believe me, someone out there HAS the time to do this, worse, has already made it his business to do so.

I think about all my trusted advisors in real life: my attorney, my doctor and others. There are questions that if posed by my insurance agent, I’d react by getting up from the table, letting him know it’s none of his business. But in the spirit of connecting socially, I easily answer these same questions in a Facebook quiz. It’s a cathartic release, a confession. Sometimes it makes up for the close mouthed, private way I act in real life. I know it seems great to “share” with others. And social network communities are the perfect place to dive in. Somehow sitting alone at the computer gives us license to answer some very intimate questions.

So the first thing I’ll do to steal your identity is find out everything I can about you. I can take a quiz, as apparently 34 million others did and with almost 200,000 fans, for “How Well Do You Know Me”? I’ll find out your birth date, where you were born, the names of your parents, your spouse, and your children. And I’ll find out their birthdates. I’ll find out your hobbies and your interests. I’ll see who all your friends are.

I’ll read “25 things you didn’t know about me”. I’ll know what sports you like, what your middle name is. I’ll know what your favorite stores are. I’ll figure out where you live by seeing where you shop. Your grammar school and your high school will be listed. It won’t be long until I find out the name of your first pet. Oh look, you used to have a space between your two front teeth!

Continue...

With a grain of salt

On my way back to Denmark, I try really hard to be fashionably disappointed about it but I can't. What is there to like...definitely not the weather, the prices, the taxes, the rules and sometimes not even the Danes themselves depending on which time of the year.

A lot of my Filipino and expat friends in Denmark have heard me complain numerous times about how hard it is to get a foothold in Denmark. My last sojourn in the country has changed all that and have made me realize the good things about living in Denmark. The fact that I get thrown into the circle of Danes, Scandinavians and Northern Europeans in general when we are out on posts, for one, helps a lot not only in understanding and getting used to their way of thinking but most importantly to feel comfortable within it. Call it a sense of belongingness, if you will.

Though not instantaneous and mostly by luck, I can safely say that I have met the most wonderful Danes (at the risk of sounding like sucking up to a culture), not just outside Denmark but also within which of course, is an important key to a happy existence in an adoptive country. In Denmark, what you see is what you get (which may not sit well with some) but at least you know exactly what you're up against. No two ways about it.

I love how Denmark brings out my creative and resourceful side when it comes to saving money without having to give up what's important in life. I love how it forces me to be organized (about everything) including the most mundane like my grocery list, afterall, I plan our material acquisitions based on what's on 'tilbud'.

Life outside Denmark (mostly in 3rd world countries) can be easy to the point of (at times) being meaningless. You do things and spend on things because you can. In Denmark, you have to choose wisely and therefore end up prioritizing.

Most of all, I miss bantering with the Danes on how Denmark may NOT be the best at everything but definitely the best at some things. At the end of the day, it's intellectual stimulation that gets us at some point. Danes are good sports if one can defend ones theories. At the very least, they are polite enough to end a discussion with a 'skål'.

Lastly, if and when I do get to speak fluent danish, how many can say that they speak a language that only 5 million others do.

Is this me?

I have seen this video floating around the internet but have never really checked it out. What could a mom's song be anyway? A lullaby ala 'Rock-a-bye-baby' or something or other. I sure have heard them all or so I thought.

Now, how it reached me is a totally different story. Busy, busy bee hubby (not me - the mom (operative word ahem) - in this case) not only received this on email but surprisingly found the time to play it. It must have reminded him of something or...someone that he thought he should forward it to V, the son, instead of.....me! I imagine a lot of chuckles went on behind my back...I smell conspiracy. Finally, for unfathomable reasons, V himself forwards me the video.

I don't think of myself this regi-mental but since hubby and son seem to think so, then maybe I am. I love this video and I guess it doesn't hurt to chuckle together, afterall, the family that chuckles together....

Evolution of an Expat Spouse part II

I thoroughly scan my favorite Expat Resources links - apart from occasional visits - as is my wont when getting ready to relocate to read up on relevant and up-to-date information. Yes, the 3 years we have given ourselves is up this September. Although the option to stay 1 more year seems appealing, we have opted to move on.

In one of these forays, I stumbled on this old question in one of my favorite sites about expat spouses' desperation of....being just that, an expat spouse, bringing to mind a recent unpleasant experience.

To deliberately digress, I found myself looking back into all the years I have been an expat spouse, what it meant to me, the person I was and the person I have become because of my situation. A situation I have bought into, afterall, no one put a gun to my head. This is going to be a long one (headache). In examining the past, I was brought back further than the 7 years I have been an expat spouse. Do I miss that life? Did I lose my identity in the process? Am I now less the person I was then? Am I now just a rat mooching off my husband whom I have vowed to be with for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part? Okay that last bit was an attempt at melodramatic.

Part of that past is why I have turned to blogging about my life. More than wanting to help new expat spouses get a grip about their own situation, it was to help me understand mine by putting my activities and thoughts into words. I'm glad that people bother to visit at all but this is more for me to look back on and see what have transpired and enhanced my life.

As to the allusion to an unpleasant event, it refers to a perfect example of a state of mind of a new expat spouse. I am not one to give unsolicited advise (or so I hope), I am just too lazy for that. How do you cope? I was asked and in relaying exactly how I cope, I was projected to be supercilious. Not her exact words but close. As I never thought of myself as such (duh), I got into thinking? Am I?

Okay, more flashbacks. The biggest thing to discuss which also happens to be the hardest not to mention ugliest, are finances. I, afterall, used to earn a decent income and the way we divided our bills back in Manila was...he pays the rent (paid for by his company, anyway) and I pay the rest (utilities were split), school, groceries, maintenance, household help, (2 maids and a driver - hey we're in the Philippines, remember?) etc, except for our respective vehicles that we had to pay ourselves (company issued - his, although I opted to drive my own - we get free gas, therefore, not much there to spend on). We pooled our savings, a certain dictated percentage of our salaries.

I did more work related travel as our company covered Southeast Asia and my job as Business Development Manager required the rigors of it, while his position did not entail such (VP for Finance). Let's just say I was used to a certain lifestyle and thought process. When hubby first mentioned the desire to diversify and spread his wings and seeing him so unhappy, I weighed my options, when life played one of its many practical jokes. I was pirated. A bigger salary, a position hard to refuse and very tempting perks. That one was actually easy to hurdle, or so we thought. In tempting fate, we (he's the finance guy not me) negotiated the contract to almost unbearable (for the company, that is) and by golly we got it. I saw no reason to say no, anymore. In fairness to hubby, he saw the opportunity for me and without much ado, relented, I signed a 2 year renewable contract with the company (a subsidiary of Sun Microsystems). I, of course, had to work my a*s off for that negotiated deal. The company did squeeze what they can out of me. In return, I hardly took a vacation, worked until 5 in the morning to finish a presentation only to present it 3 hours later. I brought home work, my family can hardly talk to me and if in their audacity, they try, I can only talk about my job. I was never 'there', not for birthdays, reunions, outings, family planned vacations, school meetings, holidays and sometimes our own anniversary. Still, I loved my job. I was 33 and on a roll!

I was tired but happy or so I thought...T, he was miserable, which by the way, I tried to ignore. When my 2 years was up, I was offered an extension, I declined (I was exhausted and thought I needed the break) and was kept on as a consultant with a 6 months renewable contract. In slowing down, I begin to notice a lot of things. I hardly see my son and my beloved hubby is very unhappy. It was difficult not having the same to preoccupy me 24/7...I, this time, felt how unhappy he was and all that I have been missing. Immediately after came the realization...what is important to me?

I decided to give T his due, and my son, the mother he sorely needed. I was then 36 years old. I prepared myself by putting up a consulting firm and getting more clients in that capacity. That was when the offer to run a start-up company came, twice the salary and 10 times the responsibility...another cruel joke life has decided to throw at me. This time I was steadfast in my decision and firmly said no, on my own accord. I left the Philippines as a Marketing consultant and carried with me clients up until I was in Kenya.

The 6 months we stayed in Denmark was not an easy time for me. I was just grateful to work and derive income as a consultant overseas in a country where I first had to learn the language before I can find work, hurdle the intimidating but mostly humiliating immigration process, tackle the pre-conceived notion of East and West marriages and where, as a professional, I also had to start over. It was daunting, overwhelming and exhausting all at once. Before the most challenging 6 months of my life came to an end, T has already secured a job for posting to Kenya and there began my adventure as an expat spouse. I trailed.

To be continued...

Modern day Desiderata (?)

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97
Wear sunscreen
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
It. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
Scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
Than my own meandering
Experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
Understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and
Recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before
You and how fabulous you really looked….You're not as fat as you
Imagine.

Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
Effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
Bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
Never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
On some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with
People who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes
You're behind…the race is long, and in the end, it's only with
Yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
Succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your
Life…the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they
Wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
Olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe
You won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky
Chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don't
Congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
Choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body,
Use it every way you can…don't be afraid of it, or what other people
Think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever
Own...

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

(Brother and sister together we'll make it through
Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you've been hurting, but I've been waiting to be there
For you. And I'll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can.
Everybody's free.)

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for
Good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
People most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you
Should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
Lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
Knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
In Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
Philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize
That when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
Noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
Maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
Might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will
Look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
Supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
Fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
Ugly parts and recycling it for more than
It's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

(Brother and sister together we'll make it through
Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you've been hurting, but I've been waiting to be there
For you. And I'll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can.
Everybody's free.)

Lyrics: Baz Luhrmann's Everybody's Free (to wear Sunscreen).

Decluttering one's life

My more favored phases in the life of an expat (spouse or otherwise) are the preps for expatriation and repatriation or just moving on to another post, while the process of settling or resettling comes a close second.

Every 3 years or so I get to declutter my world in many ways. I do have a lot of 'crap' (as opposed to 'full of...' I hope).

For a long time decluttering to me meant travelling light - which by other people's standards, is not at all that - getting rid of unnecessary things (or least favored), mostly but not limited to, documents and furniture and a gamut of others in between.

I see it as a personal triumph being able to reduce a 20ft container (that we came with) to a 10er for instance (yes that much crap)...to make room for newer, more 'useful crap' (am pulling a Yogi Berra here, people) that I may or may not get rid of at the next post.

Only recently have I realized (late bloomer, that's me) that baggage can mean different things to different people. I, of course, know the likes of emotional baggage, chip on one's shoulder and other cliches referring to different forms of burden but have never equated it to something that can be decluttered from my life, the process of which is not unlike getting rid of crap.

Clutter closely associated with or borne out of the 'Hoarding Syndrome' can be disturbing, stressful and even dangerous according to this Reader's Digest article (shudder).

On a more upbeat note, clutter according to Marcia Francois of Professional Organizer is: ANYTHING you don't love, don't use or doesn't make you feel happy.

...makes perfect sense to me and below her sensible advise (or hacks as she calls them) on how to go about decluttering.

1. Have a place for everything
Clutter builds up because you or your family doesn't know where to put it.

2. Before you buy something, decide where it will go
Right there in the store, while you're admiring it, decide exactly where that thing you absolutely must have will go.

3. One in, one out
If you buy 3 long-sleeved tops, get rid of 3 from your cupboard when you unpack your purchases.

4. Contain your stuff to the storage space you have

It's very tempting to expand to more cupboards or buy another chest of drawers. I say that's a perfect time to declutter!

Become ruthless when things start overflowing.

5. Make regular decluttering time for maintenance
You don't need hours and hours to get started. While you wait for the kettle to boil, go through a drawer or cupboard. While your computer boots up, tackle a file. Or better still, take the file and sort through it in front of the TV.

My post is not to describe how I intend to declutter my life but identifying those that clutter it and the resolve to get rid of them. A greater realization is that not only things burden me but PEOPLE too. This realization came about through a deep bonding discussion with D a newly acquired dear, dear friend - as per Marcia's #3 hack, should I then get rid of one friend having acquired a new one? I consider myself very fortunate to acquire great friends at each post. Being on the same boat and with lifestyles that bring us similar, if not downright eerily identical challenges can bond people like no other.

This lifestyle has afforded me the luxury of choosing friends, an entitlement I have come to embrace. I live a life where I have very limited time to enjoy another person's company and therefore will have to choose carefully. After that, you move on choosing who to keep in touch with and who not to bother with. To some who has never lived this life (or can't imagine living THIS kind of life), will find my statement very harsh, indeed.

Just like changing tastes in clothing, decor, food, etc, people too change. When I hear people say 'wow, you haven't changed at all since the last time I saw you', where last time could be anywhere between 5 and 20 years ago, it could only mean physical (and an exaggeration - ok, everyone knows that). I know I have changed as a person, afterall, all my experiences would have all come to naught if there hasn't been an iota of change in me.

I'm obviously rumbling now trying (really hard) to get to my point, the realization of the changes in me. It is not easy to acknowledge the fact the I have become less tolerant of:

Frivolity
Pretentiousness
Childishness as opposed to being childlike (I value highly as a trait - maybe not mine, but nevertheless...)
Immaturity
Irrationality
Unreliability
Ficklemindedness
Deceitfulness
Enviousness
Extreme Insecurity
Being inconsiderate
Pettiness
Selfishness
Arrogance

...and therefore have made the decision to purge them from my life. An uncessary burden that will only slow me down in my pursuit to enjoy the only life I know and devote quality time to the people who matters most to me. Of all the people around me at this moment, regardless of geographical location, they are less than 1% of my world. I put this in writing to remind myself that never again will I allow myself to be dragged into situations that will only limit my growth and development as a person and more importantly, waste what I consider my precious time on this earth. One always hopes to evolve into a mature, responsible and reliable individual but as the world being as it is, alas, not everyone does.

To quote another friend, L: I am entitled to my anger, my hurt, my pain as much as I am entitled to my joy, my success and all other positive things. Amen.

I am not being selfish (as far as I am concerned), only trying to survive the best way I can and if someone decides to do the same thing to me, I will definitely understand.